Much treat and little trick

On this dark, late afternoon excited children and watchful parents are carrying out another ritual to mark the cycle of the year. Households arrange sweets in a bowl by the door, indicate their willingness to be visited, and wait for the knock. In a brief flurry of fumbling hands and faux-fear we engage with our neighbours once again. We tell the children how fabulous they look in their costumes, and share a silent exchange of trust with their parents. No tricking, just treats - yet another way to be part of our community.

Stop and Look

We’re at the start of a week long heatwave - when the days go on forever and the nights don’t really let up. Times like this feel like a chance to pause (it’s too hot to do anything quickly!) and to contemplate, in a half-haze of promise and stillness, what really matters. We’re living through domestic political turmoil, war in Europe, financial anxiety and threats to fundamental freedoms we have previously enjoyed. So, what can we do? How can we feel positive about a world we can’t control?

We can celebrate our resilience for a start. We can be proud of our ability to get up every morning with a plan for the day - a plan designed to keep us going as we try to make sense of things, to maintain our relationships and carry on moving forwards. Just as the cold makes us turn inwards in winter, let this heatwave make us look up, outwards and beyond for a while - if only so we can keep looking for chances to make things better.

48 Hour Party People

The whole country is celebrating this weekend. Huge crowds gathered in London to show pride and respect for a record-breaking life of service. Town centre streets are decked with bunting and over the next couple of days neighbours are making plans to spend time together, outdoors. When people feel strongly, they want to congregate to share their emotion - sometimes to protest an injustice , or grieve a death, and at other times to entertain each other, share food and be part of a collective outpouring of joy. We’re seeing pageantry, tradition, crowds, beacons, concerts, religious ceremonies - and we’re organising street parties. It’s a wonderful thing to live amongst people who want to look out for each other and have fun together. The more we get to know each other the stronger our bonds become - today’s street party is tomorrow’s support network. That’s reason enough to get out and celebrate, isn’t it?

Refresher course

Easter is a time when we observe rituals of birth and restoration - in farming, agriculture and the natural world. Regardless of our beliefs, we see evidence all around us that the world keeps turning, whatever we do. Eggs hatch, lambs are born, blossom appears - signs that, however many mistakes we make, however dark and withered our spirits may have become, there is always the chance of redemption and renewal. We have emerged from another winter, ready to embrace another spring. Whether or not we follow any particular faith, we can share the feeling of freshness and hope that the first sunny day offers us. We can come together to restate our intentions and look forward to trying again - That deserves a celebration, doesn’t it?

The river is never the same

The more things change, goes the saying, the more they stay the same. But do we? We change constantly - we grow up, study, meet people, take on jobs; we forge relationships, have children, make friends, lose loved ones. Our appearance changes over time, as does the structural make-up of our bodies. Every experience we have, every book we read, every song we hear changes us a little more each time. It’s important to acknowledge that - not to fear it or hold it at bay. That’s why we have rituals and traditions which accompany new stages in our lives. It is the job of a Celebrant to help you create specific ceremonies to embrace your changes - whether or not they were welcome. A wedding, a new baby, reaching adulthood, leaving a job, grieving a painful loss - any aspect of your story can be marked with an event which helps you make the transition. Celebrate your journey with milestones and pit stops and share them with those who mean the most to you - and keep on flowing til you reach the sea.

BeeGees or Sondheim?

Yesterday’s announcement that Covid restrictions will be lifted next week has caused many conversations between friends and families about what constitutes ‘quality of life’, particularly end of life and living with compromised immunity. These last two years have made all of us address what matters to us most and led to decisions which have caused division every bit as much as they have ensured protection. Now, the idea that we have to ‘live with Covid’ strikes fear into many, and gives reassurance to others. The most important concept to emerge, in my view, is a definition of what ‘living’ means. Are you a BeeGees person (Staying Alive ) or a Sondheim one (Being Alive)? You can of course be both, as long as you understand there is a difference.

When is a Promise not a Promise?

What difference is there, if any, between a vow and a promise? When is it a pledge, or an oath? How binding is it? It’s hard to remain definite about anything in life. However certain we are of our intentions at the time we declare them, situations and feelings change - at what point is a promise considered broken, and what should happen as a consequence? The vows taken during a wedding ceremony must be made with integrity and in good faith. In traditional legal or religious marriages the ceremony brings with it commitments of fidelity, financial support, ongoing care and parental responsibility for shared children. But when marriages break down, only some of those commitments have to be legally untangled, because they refer to economic issues, not emotional ones. You can promise to love and care for someone for ever, but there is nothing to compensate them if you stop. So when you are considering the vows you want to make at your wedding - think of your intent, declare what you hope will happen and be sure that what you say reflects the way you feel at that moment. If you still feel the same way as your marriage progresses, you can renew those vows in the knowledge that you have upheld them. Vow renewal ceremonies are a powerful way of acknowledging a deep and lasting partnership. But if your feelings change for any reason, don’t let anyone undermine the truth of the pledges you made at the time.

Rest Assured

Everyone has a story of something going wrong at a funeral. Mourners at someone else’s send-off, coffins slipping, the ‘favourite song’ with the dodgy lyrics - lots of ways in which an important and emotional event can descend into chaos. Maybe that’s what people need at such a time - a valve which lets the humanity of the situation escape from the formality. But the afternoon I have just spent - behind the scenes at a crematorium - has proved to me that careful planning, coupled with respect and empathy, means the funeral you attend will more than likely go off without a hitch. I saw meticulous attention to detail, in-depth knowledge about all aspects of the committal process and people who really want to make sure your experience is as good as it can be. Funerals themselves have to be conducted in a timely manner and run to a pretty safe format ( a wake or memorial is the time for lengthy anecdotes and communal commemoration) so the staff who run them are quick and thorough, but they care every bit as much as you do that the person to whom you say goodbye is treated well at every stage of the process. Just in case you were wondering.

Genuine reasons to party

We have all heard a lot over the past few weeks about who should and shouldn’t have been celebrating, and where they should or shouldn’t have done it. What I want to think about now, though, is the kind of parties we can look forward to, as the country opens up again and the weather gets warmer. Count the celebrations we have missed over the past two years - weddings, christenings, anniversaries, birthdays, festivals and fairs - that’s thousands of parties not held. We need to make up for that, and soon! It feels strange, at first, to be able to go back to the office or to a theatre where the cast can see as well as hear you laughing. But it won’t be long before we’ll be confident to address the backlog of family gatherings we’ve missed - and still deserve to have.

Whatever you do, do something

We’ve all felt that feeling when we hear of a friend’s bereavement - ‘What should I say?’, ‘I don’t want to upset them/make them feel worse/remind them of what’s happened’, ‘When I see them I won’t mention it’. The most important thing you can do is say something - acknowledge what has happened, give them a hug (it’s okay to do that again now), make them some food for the freezer, give them a card. What you actually say doesn’t matter. What matters is that you recognise that a huge thing has happened to them and that the last thing they want to do is pretend it hasn’t. There is no blueprint for how to feel, what to say, or what to do when someone you care about has experienced the death of a friend or close family member. But what you must never do is ignore it for fear of ‘making it worse’. You can’t make it worse, but you can make it easier to bear.

Claudia Winkleman has given me an idea…

A friend just called me to say Claudia Winkleman’s R2 show was talking about the concept of Friendship Ceremonies and asking if they were a Thing. Well, yes they are! So I texted in hoping for a call and a chat and the chance to promote myself to 17m listeners (I may have made up the stats) but a Celebrant called Zena got there ahead of me - to be fair to her she gave a great account of what celebrants do. I hope the listeners who didn’t know about our work will now be more aware of us…thanks, Claudia!